Fantasy is at the center
of what a serial killer really is.
You and I might have a bad thought about a person.
A serial killer will take that same kernel of an immoral
or illegal impulse and dwell on it.
That kernel becomes a seed,
and from that seed grows fantasy.
"Normal people have healthy fantasies."
Meaning that they can readily differentiate
between the real and the unreal.
A serial killer will dwell on that fantasy until he can
no longer resist the urge to see it through.
And once he does act on that initial impulse,
fantasy becomes reality.
*
Is it hard for you to get up in the morning?
Has your life lost a sense of purpose?
Do you feel like giving up is the only option?
Well, don't despair because Mike Wilson can help you.
Mike's unique formula has helped millions of people
get their lives back on track.
People just like you.
Mike's coached major world leaders, professional athletes,
media celebrities and top corporate executives.
Now it's your turn.
Once suicidally depressed, Mike turned his life around
when he decided to become a serial killer.
Since becoming a serial killer, Mike's achieved
a level of success and fulfillment
he never thought possible.
And now he's going to share his secrets with you in this
amazing life-changing seminar, "How To Be A Serial Killer."
Mike's simple 10-lesson program will teach you
everything you need to know to kill your way
to a better life.
You're going to be better than Dahmer, you're going to be
better than Bundy, you're going to be
better than Charles Manson.
You're going to be the killer everyone's talking about.
If you're not satisfied, Mike's seminars
come with a 100% money-back guarantee.
So stop ignoring the voices in your head,
call the number below and book your tickets now.
Act fast, because seats are filling up by the second.
But don't just take it from me,
here's some of the magic you can expect at the three-day
How To Be A Serial Killer seminar.
[applause]
I want to show you how to appreciate your life.
I want to show you how to leap out of bed every morning
with a smile on your face!
I want to give you the ammunition that you need
to go out there and fight for what you believe in.
I want to help you find your passion.
I want to show you how I've changed my life because I know
that what I've discovered will help you change your life.
I want to share my secrets with you,
because I know that what I've discovered
will help you find your own joie de vivre.
You deserve a great life, and I'm going to show you
the path to that life.
My name is Mike Wilson...
and today I'm going to teach you
how to be a serial killer.
Stop ignoring the voices in your head
and call the number below.
Operators are standing by.
*
Hello?
[bell rings]
Hi, uh...can I help you find something?
You guys are 0 for 3 on my girlfriend's list.
Um, yeah, sometimes our videos are just a little bit
hard to find here 'cause our classification system
is a little bit weird.
Along Came Polly, The Breakup, Hitch.
Where would you look for those movies?
Comedy.
[bell rings]
Genius.
I, I can type them into the computer, and then,
'cause like sometimes people misfile the boxes,
and then they get kind of lost.
Yes, honey... I'm still at the store.
Yeah, well, I'm moving as fast as I can.
No.
Well, well sometimes it takes a fucking village
to find a video. What can I say?
Bitch.
What I'm doing is I'm typing in your titles,
and then if they're in the back I'll be able to bring them...
Whatever, just work your magic.
My computer's frozen.
No shit.
I'm gonna restart it. It'll take, like, 30 seconds.
[phone rings]
God damn it, Jenny. What?
Yeah.
No.
I told you they don't have that.
The fucking 'tard they got working here
can't do shit.
Yeah.
Fine.
It'll take, like, five seconds.
I'm just gonna look for something else.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
You're lookin' for a-- are you lookin' for
another slasher film?
No, actually I was wondering if you had,
"Along Came Polly"?
I, I don't--
I don't think we have it in the system.
The computer's all jammed, but--
Dude, I'm fucking with you.
I overheard that little shit asking for it.
What a fucking dick.
I used to hate guys like that when I worked in retail.
Yeah, right.
How about I get the movies you want,
and I'll go to sleep?
What would you do to him...
if you could do anything you wanted to?
Anything and not get caught?
Anything?
I can see those gears turning.
If you could do anything you wanted...
Think about it.
I can't even say.
Yeah, you can.
(customer on phone) Every time we do this.
No, we're not getting licorice.
Fuckin' black licorice.
I hate that shit anyway.
Nobody's gonna hear you except me.
And I'm your ally.
If I could do anything in the world to that guy...
I'd, uh...
I'd go to a hardware store and, uh...
I'd get a sledgehammer.
Really?
And then smash his head with the sledgehammer.
Really? That's creative.
It's a little messy, but it's creative.
I'm just jokin', you know?
Jokin' around.
I'd, um, I'd just, like,
get a gun and shoot him in the neck.
Right in the neck.
Is that real?
Yeah, it's fuckin' real.
You can't kill someone with a fake gun.
Unless you bash them in the head with it.
You mean... you've iced a guy?
[whispers] I've always wanted to kill someone.
And you can.
What do you mean?
If you want to learn, I can teach you to kill
as many people as you want.
I don't know.
No, I think you do know.
I come in here all the time, and every time I see you...
I see a guy that's not happy with his life.
- You can tell that? - Uh huh.
And I see that there's a version inside of you
that's just waitin'... to break out.
You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?
(customer) What the fuck, honey?
No, I'm not doing this with you.
See, life comes down to a few short moments when you have
to ask yourself...
am I living up to my potential?
Am I in it... to win it?
Shit for selection.
What's it gonna be?
Are you in it to win it?
I am in it to win it.
You got a lot to learn before you can
put your hands on a weapon.
So what do you say?
You wanna go get this asshole?
Yeah.
[bell rings]
Let's take the back... before he gets away.
Hey, dip shit.
Hey, you know what's fuckin' hilarious?
Is that you chose to act like a fuckin' asshole
on your last day on earth.
[gunshot]
Hey, hey, hey, hey. You all right?
You still with me?
Guys like this, they take their lives for granted.
And the thing is,
is that we're all just so fuckin' fragile.
I'm a reminder to these people that they need to appreciate
their life each and every day.
So you're kind of, you're kind of doing,
doing people a favor.
You're goddamn right I am.
Looks like we got a live one.
[gunshot]
What do you do with the body?
Depends.
Is shithead here a regular customer?
Yeah?
I got a couple acres out in the desert with a shack on it.
Your secret hideout?
Yeah, kind of.
Take him out there, chop him up,
throw some dirt on him - be on the safe side.
Grab the shell casings, I'm gonna throw
fuck-face in the trunk.
Welcome to your new life.
You follow my lead, you'll be selling
the blood-soaked clothes of your victims on eBay.
Listen, I got to run, call the city,
have this car towed.
Don't touch anything.
Just go back inside.
Should, should I get your phone number?
No need.
I know where to find you.
I want to make you a superstar, pal.
So Mike's...
he's taken me on as his apprentice.
I'm kind of nervous 'cause I'm not, like,
I'm not now nor have I ever been a star student.
But, you know, they say, they say you can accomplish,
like, anything if you put your mind to it.
And.. I've never really found anything
that I really wanted to put my mind to.
Serial killing - I think I could really,
really sink my teeth into that.
Apply myself.
[car horn honks]
- Hello. - What took you so long?
There was a mad rush at the video store.
Well, your ice cream's all melted.
It's all right.
It's still good.
Did you cut yourself shaving?
No, I don't think so.
That's weird.
Well, you caught me red-handed.
I had a strawberry sundae at lunch.
Mr. Health Conscious had a sundae for lunch?
Um, well, yeah, I mean,
I've just been down a little bit,
and I thought maybe some ice cream might cheer me up.
Are you feeling down?
A little.
Did something happen today?
No, it's just, work's stressful.
You want to get it off your chest?
No, it's no big deal.
Just petty stuff.
You listen to me go on and on
about the politics of the shelter.
I mean, I'm happy to listen if you wanna talk about it.
Thank you.
I'm a pretty lucky guy to have a girl like you.
And I'm a lucky girl.
Can you, um, hold that?
Mm hmm.
Try not to spill it.
I love Mike. He's a great guy.
He's smart, he's caring, he's emotionally intelligent.
And he's cute.
We've been together about a year, and I think that's
really when people start to show their true colors.
So the honeymoon is over, but I'm really happy with him.
Emily Post found her fame in writing a little book
entitled "Etiquette."
And it remains the authoritative text on manners today.
Good manners are very important.
They imply respect for those in your presence,
and for the world in general.
There is a code of social ethics and behavior out there,
and serial killing is no different.
Hey, have you ever...
I've always been curious, Bart.
But I won't do it.
Temptation surrounds us in everything we do.
Immediate gratification cannot be answered
to forsake principals.
Need to be strong and make choices
that reflect our beliefs.
We gotta stick to our guns.
You said it.
We simply can't do everything in life
that we'd like to, Bart.
I don't care how annoying they are,
or how curious you might be, children are off limits.
Stay away from the mentally and physically handicapped.
That's cheating.
I've always loved animals and never would do anything
to hurt our furry little friends.
Sociopaths kill animals, real serial killers kill people.
Never rob your victims.
You go down that road it's tough to get off.
It starts off with a 20, ends up with a C-note,
and then pretty soon you're just a petty thief
who happens to kill on the side.
Don't rape.
Don't ever rape.
Rapists are the scum of the earth.
Love women, respect women.
Find a way to earn their love.
There are over six billion people in this world,
and it's no secret that a lot of them deserve to die.
Just think - if I was in Vienna right around
the turn of the century I might have done away with Hitler.
You never know what kind of service you're gonna do
the world by doing somebody in.
Kill people that are better off dead.
I try to do at least one selfless thing per day.
If you find yourself thinking the serial killing
is selfish and you're doing it just to make yourself happy,
take a trip to an elderly home and find somebody
who wants to die but can't.
You don't have to Kevorkify your life,
but you can give back.
Any little gesture of kindness counts.
Look at this guy.
If you do not shit on the count of three,
Daddy will take you to the vet tomorrow
and he will have you put to sleep,
you ungrateful little cunt.
Did he just call his dog a cunt?
One, two, three.
Okay.
But if you shit inside like you did last night,
Daddy will smack your ugly little face.
That kind of behavior simply won't do, Bart.
What are you gonna do?
What time is it?
Uh, 6:30.
We're gonna come back tomorrow.
Back in a sec.
Okay.
*
People don't like being alone.
But when you mix the manipulative powers
of a sociopath with someone with dependency disorders,
that's a very easy mix.
And a very highly dysfunctional union.
Examples of this run the relationship spectrum
from parent-child to romantic attachments.
It never ceases to amaze me what people will tolerate
in order to avoid being alone.
Misery loves company.
Hi.
Yeah, we're here.
Okay, see you in a sec.
Hang on a sec, baby.
You having fun, Bart?
Mm-hmm.
Good.
I can't tell with you sometimes.
I'm havin' a ton of fun.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Hey, there she is.
Hi.
- Hey, Bart. - Hi.
We just saw this little girl in the street,
she looked kind of lost. So...
Aren't you just a little cutie?
You guys think you can do something with her?
Absolutely.
So sweet of you to bring her all the way out here.
Yeah, no problem.
Where did she get the leash?
Oh, she was just draggin' it behind her on the street.
Anyway, I got to get Bart home.
See you there.
- Bye. - Bye.
Man, what a woman.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, what?
Yeah, nothin'.
Yeah nothin', my ass.
What's on your mind?
Nothing, I, I swear.
Bart, I'm fuckin' with you.
I feel the most safe when I'm with Mike.
Um, 'cause it's like, it's like kind of having,
like, a pit bull that's your best friend.
It can talk to you and stuff.
Because I just know no one's gonna, like, mess with me.
I know that no, like, gang bangers are gonna
try to mess with me.
And I know, like, other people aren't gonna try
to mess with me or anything.
'Cause he's there, and he's like, he knows how to--
He'll mess with them.
And mess with him in a way that will just,
like, mess them up.
And it's cool 'cause I feel safe and I know that...
I know that he would never mess with me...
or hurt me or anything.
Once you've decided to give serial killing a whirl,
the world becomes your oyster.
Observe your arsenal, then pick your weapon.
Blunt objects.
Garrote.
Guns.
Poisons.
Drownings.
Assisted suicides.
Hit and runs.
Explosives.
[Tribal call] Tribal weapons.
Garden tools.
The point I'm trying to get across here is that there are an
infinite number of ways to carry out your serial killings.
I've highlighted a variety of methods, but what I want
to suggest is that you start with something easy.
Something you've been using since you came out of the womb.
Your hands.
[struggling sounds]
[crowd cheering]
Significant others will grow increasingly suspicious,
but don't let your fears get the best of you.
They probably just think it's an affair.
If you want to be a good little serial killer,
you must constantly keep the people in your life at bay.
Do nice things for them.
Buy them chocolates, flowers, take them for a nice dinner.
Make them feel secure in the relationship, and they'll
never get to the bottom of what's really going on.
Hey, Tom and Gena broke up.
Really?
Well, that's unfortunate.
I thought those guys made a good couple.
She's better off.
He was cheating on her for, like,
four months with his assistant.
Really?
Can't imagine Tom doing something like that.
What an asshole.
Oh, he was a creep.
Last summer at Rachel's luau I swear I caught him looking
up my skirt when I was laying on the hammock.
Really?
You should have said something.
And cause a huge thing?
Why? What good would it do?
You never know.
Seriously...
Let me know when stuff like that happens, okay?
Why?
Would you have defended my honor?
Indeed I would have, m'lady.
Go chop.
So are they selling their house in Los Feliz?
Well, it's her place. She kicked him out.
Really? Where's he going?
Oh, he's at that crappy motel
down the street from their house.
[chopping more aggressively]
(Abigail) Christine's having a party on Saturday night.
You want to go?
Oh, yeah?
Um, I would love to, but I have plans
with young Bart on Saturday.
You're always with him. What do you guys do together?
Just hang out.
Can I help you with this?
You don't really have the eye for it.
I think you better leave it to me.
You're a cruel woman.
All right, I'll get back to cooking.
Make it good.
(Dr. Goldberg) One of the most terrifying characteristics
of a serial killer is the multiple faces
that they can wear.
Since serial killers lack a conscience, feelings such as
guilt, nervousness, rarely enter into their minds.
And they become very good liars.
One of the most striking examples of this was when one
of Jeffrey Dahmer's captives escaped from his apartment.
He was naked, he had visible wounds,
and he actually ran into the police.
Dahmer watched his victim talking to the police,
he calmly approached them, he explained that
they were lovers and that they'd had a quarrel.
He was so calm and so articulate...
the police actually let him leave with his victim.
You got your Dahmers, Zodiac Killers, Son of Sams,
Boston Stranglers, Jack the Rippers.
But my point is-- Oh, that Aileen Wournos
is one hell of a serial killer, too.
But they all had a style, you know?
They found a way to own it.
Ownership of your work is vital, Bart.
And that's the kind of killer you need to strive to be.
Go big, find yourself and express your voice.
You found your voice yet?
What does that mean?
Your style, signature, your calling card.
I don't know.
Well, you'll know when you do.
Yeah, you're probably right.
You got to make every killing count, Bart,
'cause you never know which one's gonna be your last.
The thing you always got to keep in the back of your head
is that life as we know it could disappear at any minute.
Until age 30, the majority of people can legitimately say
they've spent most of their life in school.
Ages five to 11, elementary school.
Ages 12 to 14, junior high school.
Ages 15 to 18, high school.
Ages 19 to 23, college.
And ages 23 to 27, graduate or professional school.
That's a lot of classroom time.
And it's laughable when you think about it because
whatever job you land in immediately retrains you.
Experience is the best teacher.
This helpful old adage got me to thinking of ways to better
convey real-life examples of what I want you
to get out of all of this.
The only way for you to start anything is just to
get out there and do it.
You're a blank canvas.
And you need to go out there and get painted.
*
Do you want turkey or ham?
Turkey.
Thanks. What do I owe you?
- Oh, don't worry about it. - Cheers, I got the next one.
All right, thanks.
It's nice out today, huh?
Beautiful.
How is your day going?
Eh.
Do you hate your job?
I don't really look at this as my job.
You know, this is just somethin' I do that pays the bills.
Puts food on the table.
When you were little, what did you think you were gonna
grow up to be?
I wanted to be an astronaut, actually.
What happened?
It's very difficult to become an astronaut, Bart.
There's a lot of math.
Plus, when I was a kid I had no idea
that serial killing was even an option.
It's just not something they cover in Career Day.
Yeah.
Besides... All work and no play...
Makes Jack a dull boy.
What are you doin' tonight?
Just hangin' out.
Why don't you come over to the house around nine.
Okay.
If you think it'll be all right.
I mean... would that be all right?
Why wouldn't it be?
I kind of get the feeling like Abigail
doesn't really like me all that much.
Bart, she thinks you're great.
Stop being so insecure.
She's not getting suspicious?
Of what? Of what we're doing?
No... No, not at all.
Okay.
Why would you ask that?
I'm just, I'm just like trying to, I don't...
I don't really think it,
I'm just tryin' to, I'm tryin' to think it, like,
two steps ahead, like a, like everything like a chess game.
So I was just-- I'm probably just being paranoid.
Don't worry about it. She's fine.
I hate to cut this short, but I got to get back.
I've got a lot of calls to make, so.
Yeah.
We'll see you at nine.
Nine o'clock, at your house.
Okay, buddy.
Thanks again for the sandwich.
Thanks for all the knowledge.
I don't know how you know when you're ready.
I think it's sort of...
I think it's probably, like, how Mike says.
I think you just feel it in your gut.
And then you go with it.
Baker is such a fucking faggot.
I mean, could you believe this fucking guy?
What a dildo!
Always complaining about Baker, Zach.
Dickhead Baker, faggot Baker.
Your point?
Who gives a shit if the guy's a prick.
Me, you fucking dildo.
Well, you hate the guy so much,
why don't you do somethin' about it?
Like what?
Well, you could slash his fuckin' throat.
Like what, Mike?
You can start by slashing his tires.
He drives a black import, parks on the first floor
right by the elevator.
Thanks, man.
I'll do that shit right now. You want to roll with?
Rain check. Got a lunch date.
Go get him, tiger.
Slap it in with the palm.
Release.
Angle, slap, release.
Give it a try.
Good. Release.
Do it with your thumb - the same thumb.
Yeah, 'cause you got to reload quick.
Good.
Oh, that's so cool.
Mike, does Abigail know about this?
About what? The gun?
No, about, like, everything.
No.
Do you think she'd understand?
I don't know.
But I'd like to think she would.
I know for a fact she'd tell you I'd become a better person
since I started killing though.
You need to press down with your thumb
before you load the bullet.
It makes it a lot easier.
Good.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Cool.
What happens if she finds out?
She can't find out, Bart. It's not an option.
I'm a trailblazer here, Bart.
Trailblazers are typically persecuted
before they're embraced by the mainstream.
Shit, look at Gandhi.
Yeah, he starved himself?
Then they shot him.
You don't think I'm smart enough to keep this from her?
Is that it?
That's not what I'm sayin'.
I'm just sayin', like, what if?
You can't be a doubting Thomas
if you want to be a serial killer.
I'm not a doubting Thomas.
[click, click]
Don't let negative thoughts into your head.
[Abigail] Guys?
Hey.
You guys want anything to drink?
Oh, I'm good.
Bart?
I'm good.
Well, just shout if you do.
Thanks, baby.
I'm gonna watch TV.
Thank you.
[whispering] I'm not a doubting Thomas.
I know you're not a doubting Thomas.
The truth is, I don't know what she'd do if she found out.
Do you want to be a winner? Do you want to be successful?
Of course you do; Who wouldn't?
Well, here's the key to my success:
Perseverance and discipline.
Good old P&D! Perseverance and discipline
are the two qualities every successful serial killer
must apply to his work routine every single day.
And when the going gets tough, that's when you need to
pull the trigger on good old perseverance and discipline.
Ten million people in this town,
you think it would be easier to find someone to kill.
Should we call it a day?
Call it a day? What are you?
A fuckin' quitter, Bart?
I'm not a quitter. I was just thinking, you know.
Not thinkin' like a serial killer, you're not.
Serial killers keep on keepin' on, you got that?
I understand.
I believe in you, Bart.
You got what it takes, but you got to want it bad enough
to go out there and get it.
No, I do want it. I'll just keep on--
You say that, but I don't see it.
Judge me not by what I say, by what I do.
I was just sayin'--.
Just fuckin' shut up.
All right.
No, no, no, no.
You stay in the car.
- Why? - You know why, Bart.
I want you to think about your attempt to quit earlier.
I'm sorry, I--
Sorry is a word.
No, I mean it, I mean it.
Show me you mean it through action.
How?
Why don't you find us a good victim.
Okay.
Take your time, Bart.
Remember, it's got to come from here.
Your gut. Don't force it.
You tell me.
Him?
Is he a good victim?
Um...
Yes or no.
Yes, yeah. He's a good victim.
Why?
Well, he just littered.
Got a thing for litterbugs, do you?
It's pretty obvious... he's not working.
He's like a drain on taxpayers.
So you got a big tax liability, do you?
No.
No, neither do I.
Well, they're lazy and they're disgusting and they...
they smell bad and they're always, like,
you'll be sittin' there at a restaurant tryin' to eat
and they'll come up to you, and they'll be...
And then if you're... in your car
it's the worst, 'cause you're...
you're at a stoplight and they're starin' at you,
like makin' you feel guilty, makin' you feel bad
for not giving them money.
But they don't even work; they don't do anything.
They hang out at the beach all day
while you're doing anything at all,
but not doing that.
It's fucking disgusting.
That man right there Bart's not a victim for us...
He's a victim of society.
We need to show the less fortunate compassion.
I'm sorry, I--
No, no. Not sorry.
Remember?
Action. Not words.
Fifty cents? Holy shit!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
It's been 11 hours, Bart.
Really?
Here's a little pearl for you... Whenever it gets hard,
that's when you know you're on the right path.
Whatever it takes to get it done.
Whatever it takes.
Serial killers know no boundaries.
They talk about principles, they talk about strong beliefs -
ethics, if you will.
There is one simple truth about serial killers:
They will do whatever it takes to feel the satisfaction
of acting out their fantasies.
And they will eliminate anything that gets in their way.
You know what I fuckin' hate?
Hmm?
Tailgaters.
Look at this fucking asshole.
He's really ridin' your ass.
Could he be any fuckin' closer to my car?
You're in my fucking ass!
The guy's pretty big.
He's all, like, on steroids or something.
I know. Watch...
Little tap on the brakes. There you go.
Oh, is that slowing you down?
Is that fuckin' slowin' you down?
Oh, the high beams.
Fuck you!
Hold the fucking wheel, hold the wheel.
Fuck you!
[horn honking]
You know what's fucking awesome?
This asshole has no idea what he's gonna get himself into.
You never know about people. You just never know
who's gonna have a gun in their glove compartment.
Do you...have a gun in your glove compartment?
No.
Bart, what kind of serial killer would I be
if I didn't have gun in my glove compartment?
Oh, this is good. This is really fucking good.
Thank you, baby Jesus!
All right, let's--
Right over here, bitch! Right the fuck over here!
I think he just called you a faggot.
He's mouthing the word faggot at you.
Here we go.
Let's do this.
[gunshots]
Did you fucking see that?
[tires squeal]
That was a great day today, Bart.
Oh, yeah.
All right, we'll see you tomorrow.
All right, bye.
You gotta lighten up, Bart.
You gotta learn to trust me.
Oh, I do.
It doesn't seem like you do sometimes.
But I do.
Okay, okay.
See?
I trust you.
Oh, I know.
I mean, I have to, right?
You can get me into a lot of trouble.
I wouldn't do that.
No, but you could though.
I wouldn't though.
I know you wouldn't, but you could.
Just sayin'.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I probably could get you in some trouble.
Yeah.
I'd get to you... before they got to me.
You know that, don't you?
You don't even have to say that.
I don't even know why you're sayin' that.
I'm fuckin' with you.
Bart, I would not do anything to hurt you, ever.
You're my protÃ©gÃ©. You're like my offspring.
Are you pleased with what you're learning so far?
Absolutely.
Good.
This is a very unique opportunity.
Oh, I know, I know.
All right.
You drive safe, okay?
Didn't flinch, didn't flinch.
I'm very excited about what I'm learning.
It's been, like, sort of tough at first,
but now I'm really gettin' to, like, the learning part.
And it's so much fun.
And Mike's, like, a really good teacher.
I'm learning a lot from him.
I'm going to go ahead and assume that we've all wanted
to pull the trigger on behavior that's illegal or immoral.
Haven't you ever fantasized about pushing someone
into oncoming traffic, or in front of a train?
Or off a building?
You know you have.
And it's only when we start to act in accordance
with our core desires that we are truly free to be ourselves.
We have to be in touch with our inner emotions.
And obey them.
[giggling]
Oh, that's funny.
You don't have to pretend to like it, sweetie.
I'm just not into television humor.
Where are you going?
I'm just gonna grab my jacket.
I thought we were hanging out tonight?
Bart's been kind of down, so I'm gonna
just take him out for a couple of beers to cheer him up.
Oh.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
Where are you going tonight?
Um, I don't know yet.
I don't know where we'll go.
I gotta go though.
Love you.
Do you love me?
No.
No?
Fell out of love with me?
That's kind of mean, don't you think?
[both giggling]
[doorbell]
Hang on a second!
You're the woman of my dreams - you know that?
I know.
I'm glad Mike has a social life.
I know he needs it.
But lately he goes out almost every night.
Most of the time it doesn't bother me.
But sometimes it really bothers me.
Look at how fucking cool this thing is.
I love that. FÃ©eel how light that is.
It is light.
I know.
Wow.
Guess how much it was.
Like a thousand dollars?
Eighty!
Wow.
Is that bad for it when you do that?
No.
That's fine as long as you use your shirt or something.
Just don't use a paper towel.
- Eighty bucks. - That's good.
You amortize that over five years,
that's pennies a killing.
It pays for itself.
Looks cool too.
How's that?
Hold on, let me...
That's cool.
Good.
Just put that down the back of the jacket for me.
Yeah...
I was getting ready too.
Stay put.
I'm gonna give the lesson of the day.
All right.
Good luck.
[muffled screams]
[gagging]
Hey, Mike.
Aren't you worried when they scream that someone will,
like, call the cops or the police,
or come out and see you or something?
Yeah.
But you gotta realize, Bart, that most people aren't gonna
call the police on the assumption
that somebody else is going to.
Besides...the cops are fuckin' slow -
especially in big markets like Los Angeles.
When was the last time you called the police?
Like a year ago.
Why'd you call them?
There was this, uh, there was a mugging
outside my building.
How long did it take for them to get there?
An hour.
And while the cops were busy responding,
how many other people you think could have been
assaulted during that time?
A lot.
So being good at serial killing is about
successful risk management, and risk mitigation.
Good idea.
The identities of serial killers are often obscure
because they have no connection with their victim.
So they're propelled into this double life.
A life in which they openly interact with society,
and then a secretive life.
And even though they have a double life,
they are drawn more and more into that secretive life.
It's like a drug addict.
He takes more and more of a given substance until
eventually he takes too much and he overdoses.
The overdose here happens when these two...
these two lives intersect.
From time immemorial the majority of serial killers
have presented a major problems for detectives
for one reason alone.
Their victims are complete and total strangers.
If there is no immediate connection between you
and your subject, there's a very good chance
you can get away with murder.
The best victim is the one you've never met before.
You start killing people you know,
you're headed down a dark road.
What's goin' on, man?
You all right?
Abigail found the safe.
Oh, shit. Did she call the cops?
No.
Where is she?
She fuckin' found everything, Bart.
I tried to explain... I tried to explain it to her
but she wouldn't listen.
She kept trying to call the police.
I couldn't let her do that.
Did anybody see you come in?
No.
Well, she screamed so somebody must have called the cops.
We gotta get her out of here.
If somebody called the cops we have to get out of here
because they'd be here any minute.
We have to get her out of here, okay?
And you need to help me clean up that kitchen.
I don't think I can do that.
I can't do this, Bart. I can't do this.
You have to help me do this.
You have to help me.
Okay?
Yeah.
*
I wrapped her up.
We need to get her into the car and get out of here now.
You okay?
We'll get you cleaned up and get you into these clothes.
Shouldn't we be doing this at night?
No time.
I'm losin' her.
You got it?
Yeah.
[car approaches]
What the fuck?
(man) Mike?
Hey!
No, we're just-- a friend of mine's
havin' a bachelor party.
[gunshots]
Come on. We gotta move.
(man #2) Hey... Aw, shit!
[gunshots]
Don't leave me, Mike!
[gunshot]
Mike.
Hey, Jake?
Jake, it's Mike.
There's a guy with a gun out here.
Please let me in.
Come on, man.
[gunshots]
We can't fit four bodies in this trunk.
Exactly how fucked are we right now?
Pretty fucked, Bart.
How fucked?
Pretty fucked.
But I mean, like, like big-time fucked?
Like super fucked?
Could you just stop for a second?
Electric-chair fucked?
Like how fucked? Death fucked?
Are you all right?
You know how I met Abigail?
At a dinner party.
I was drunk as hell on a mixture
of champagne and tequila -
which I don't recommend.
But, uh, I was instantly enamored with her.
It's the easiest conversation I've ever had in my life.
I ended up kissing her for the first time
on the corner of Santa Monica and Melrose.
I was tryin' to get her to come home with me.
I fucking tried...
But she wouldn't go for it.
We ended up walking around the neighborhood for a bit,
and the Jacaranda trees were just full bloom -
the whole fuckin' street was purple.
I ended up falling in love with her that night.
Have you ever been in love, Bart?
Yeah, I think so.
There, um...
At my store there was this girl
that used to come in all the time.
And, um, she'd, like,
she wasn't, like, really,
like, 'stop you in your tracks' pretty.
But she had, she had, like, a lot of freckles, and I,
I like really like girls with freckles.
And I didn't really talk to her, but we'd always,
like, smile, and she'd always rent that movie "Powder",
the one with the albino kid.
And she'd always rent it.
Like, on Fridays. I have no idea
why she'd always rent that movie.
But it made me always think about her and I was
always, like, asking myself - what I would say to her?
Did you ever talk to her?
It was more...it was kind of like beyond that.
I mean, I didn't talk to her.
I don't think that's love, but I mean, it's a start.
You'll know when you fall in love, man.
It's like finding your voice.
I'm gonna wish that for you.
Thank you.
I want to start off by saying the last thing you want
to get mixed up in is getting rid of bodies.
It's dangerous, time consuming,
and if your stomach's weak it can really be nauseating.
Always remember -
if there's no body... there's no murder.
Fingerprints will get you just like teeth will.
I've heard of slicing them off with razor blades,
or disfiguring them with hot metal,
but sulfuric acid really works.
And you can get it at any chemical supply store.
This will keep you clean,
and this will make it easier to wrap things up.
Now once you've done everything I've mentioned,
it's time to get rid of the evidence.
Remember what I said, Bart...
When you've dug as deep as you can dig,
dig deeper.
And when you can't dig any more, dig deeper.
Then when there's no more to dig...
Keep diggin'.
How long have I been diggin' for?
About nine hours.
Remember what I said about perseverance and discipline...
I killed the woman I loved, three witnesses...
followed by an 11-hour drive to the desert
and nine hours of digging.
You think maybe there's, like, some kind of lesson
to be learned from all of this?
That's a good question.
Want to switch off for a little while?
Yeah.
Thanks.
I feel really bad for Mike.
Um, he's, he's a romantic...
and Abigail, I know, was his, his muse,
and it's just - he's really devastated.
It would be really cool if there was somethin' I could do
to, like, bring her back.
What's our next move?
Going home, gettin' cleaned up.
We can't go back to your apartment.
We're not going to my apartment.
We're going to yours, Bart.
Mine?
Yep.
That's okay, Bart, I got it.
I got it.
You're my guest.
Thank you.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
Thanks for your help out there today.
That was hard for me.
I can imagine.
You know, Abigail, she, uh--
You know, I, I think, I...bet there's
someone else out there for you.
You think so?
That's what I keep telling myself.
Here, this will keep you warm.
Sleep well.
This is a big waste of time.
Yep.
That guy killed everybody in the apartment.
Why would he come back?
This is crazy, Mike.
Remember, Bart - no bodies, no murder.
Why are we sneaking around then?
Just in case.
We got to see if they're on to us.
Fuck.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
You see that?
That means we're a little fucked.
There's got to be a way, there's got to be
a way out of this, man.
There's, there's a way, you got to--
You're the one that should know the ways,
find the way out of this and we'll fucking
take the way out of it.
Bart, Bart, Bart.
There are a couple ways out of this - jail or death.
[Mike laughing]
That's fucking funny?
No, there are certain ways out--
All right, all right.
Fuck you, jail and death. I can't go to jail.
If I'm going to jail I'm going to get raped.
Just shut up.
Those are the worst--
I mean, you're such a fucking idiot.
Like, I'm too young to go to jail.
Would you just shut up?!
Have you not listened to anything that I've told you?
I've listened to everything you said and I'm fucked!
You take a note for a while.
Perseverance and discipline!
Don't look to me for external validation.
You think living this life is fucking easy?
No.
Nothing in this world that brings
any kind of gratification is going to be easy.
We all go through periods of doubt, Bart,
but you can't go fuckin' crazy.
All right.
You got to stay calm.
You got to stay on the path
and you got to stay true to the cause.
All right.
I got faith in you, Bart.
I've got a fucking hell of a lot of faith in you.
Really?
Hell, yes! Motherfucking hell, yes.
You didn't know that?
I knew that.
We all go through periods of doubt, man.
But when the winds of change blow their gale,
that is when you have to lean against their fury.
All right, all right.
Fuck.
Remember - perception's reality.
You remember nothing else, you remember that -
Perception is reality.
We think we can get out of this,
we're gonna get out of this.
I think we're gonna get out of this.
We're gonna be fine.
Uncle Mike has got you covered, okay?
Where are we gonna go?
You ever hear of a little place called Mexico?
[Bart laughing]
That's where we're goin', Bart!
But first we got to take a little stop off at the shack.
All right.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
What's in the cabinet, Mike?
Oh, sweet!
Is that rope? I love rope.
Bart, Bart, breathe.
Good.
Never underestimate the power of cold hard cash.
If you need to get out of the country quick,
you're gonna need it.
Wow, we're rich.
Sorry.
Your money.
Good documentation is absolutely imperative.
And you'd be surprised what you can get
a graphic design student to do for a couple of hundred bucks.
Oh, yeah, passports.
I don't have one.
That's cool, though. Probably borrow one of yours.
Always keep a packed suitcase.
What's in there?
Grenades?
Nunchucks? What do you got?
Ah, sweet. Clothes.
Have you ever heard the expression -
'Only use in case of emergencies'?
What's that?
That's everything.
Just-in-case case, Bart.
What's in the just-in-case case?
A surprise.
Yeah!
Creating a new look is imperative
to getting away from the authorities.
Hydrogen peroxide.
Why?
Hair.
[voice on police radio]
What do you think?
Wow... You look really dangerous -
and cool.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You look like you're, like, a lead singer
of a punk rock band or something.
You know, I guess the cops aren't gonna be
lookin' for Billy Idol.
That's for sure.
Hey, should we do my hair next?
I don't really have enough peroxide.
What's wrong?
Nothin'.
Don't worry about it.
You're not gonna need a new look.
You're gonna love Mexico, Bart.
It's all cervezas and senoritas.
[taser gun]
[gunshot]
The first rule in facing the authorities is -
never ask yourself if you can get away.
What's the magic mantra we need to
keep saying to ourselves?
Perception is reality.
If we think we can get away, we can.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
Are there any more cops?
That fuckin' cop shot me in the neck with a taser gun.
You got him.
I think you got him right in the heart.
Lucky shot.
You all right?
Yeah, I-- Go get the peroxide.
Why?
Because it disinfects cuts, Bart.
Give me the rag, too.
[police sirens]
Shit.
How many? Get down.
Uh, just, just one of them.
That's okay.
One's doable.
One's okay.
There's two now.
Two is still great odds. We can get out of this.
Have you been involved in a lot of standoffs
with the police before?
First one, actually.
Keep an eye on the corner of that shack, boys.
I don't want anything comin' out of there and surprising us.
That's all right, 'cause I got a lot of self-confidence.
Mike, there's a third car.
Mike, can you hear me in there?
Hey, see him?
We know who you are -
this is not gonna end well for you!
Is this how we're goin' out?
(Officer) Mike?
Mike, we got you surrounded!
Is this it, Bart?
Is this how we're gonna go out,
my young, faithful apprentice?
We can still make it out of this.
Mike, you're backed up into a corner.
You got nowhere to go.
When we get out of this, I want to, like,
get some of my own pupils.
You know, and like start a school.
I want to make a difference; I want to show people
there is a purpose or all this.
I'm proud of you, man.
You're really takin' the bull by the horns on this one.
Now go get me that case.
That's a big gun.
It has a big task at hand.
(Officer) Do yourself a favor, Mike. Come out now!
I'm afraid I can't do that!
[gunfire]
I'm out! Cover me!
Sean?
Sean!
Fuck.
What the fuck are you doin' in here?
Nothin'.
This son of a bitch just took out half our guys.
These guys got families. You just gonna sit there
and let that happen?
He's got a fucking machine gun.
I don't care if he's got a fucking grenade launcher.
I've been friends with these guys since you were
a baby shitting diapers.
Did you fuckin' call the cops, Bart?
No.
No?
No.
Then how the fuck did they get out there?!
I don't know.
Are you fucking crazy?
Don't you fucking lie to me.
I wouldn't call the cops. I swear.
We're gonna give him to the count of ten.
If he doesn't come out, we're goin' in.
You got me?
They'll cut us apart!
We stand our ground, all right?
Now put your fuckin' balls on.
Mike, I'm gonna give you to the count of ten.
If you don't come out, we're comin' in.
Can you hear me, you son of a bitch?
Shut the fuck up or I'm puttin' one in your head.
We're on the same team.
...nine...
You really disappointed me, Bart.
...eight...
You really disappointed me.
Seven.
Six.
(Bart) Don't shoot, don't shoot!
(Mike) I'm comin' out with a hostage.
You move, he dies.
I know you're my friend.
Shut the fuck up, Bart.
Mike, release the hostage.
Release the hostage, Mike.
Release the fuckin' hostage!
You need to fuckin' relax!
Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me.
You need to listen to me, Bart.
You tell them you're my hostage. Do you understand me?
Yeah, yeah.
You say that and you say nothing else.
Okay.
You got to trust me.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Mike, thank you.
Thank you for everything.
It's been a real honor.
Come on.
He's alive.
Good, come on
Go see if he's on the other side of this shack.
On the count of three, you go left, I go right.
We're gonna kill this son of a bitch.
We should stick together.
We're gonna split up on the count of three.
One...
two...three.
Drop it.
No...
You drop it.
Drop the fucking weapon or you're a dead man!
You gonna shoot me?
I will if I have to.
How you gonna do that if I shoot you first?
Don't make me do this.
I'm gonna give you to the three to drop your gun, son.
I'm warning you.
One...two...
Drop your fucking weapon!
...three. [gunshot]
Textbooks tell us that serial killers
don't have the capacity to care for others,
to establish functional relationships.
That's the clinical definition of a sociopath.
And...that's very hard for us to comprehend -
that a serial killer cannot differentiate
between going into a liquor store to buy a six pack,
and going into a liquor store to shoot the clerk in the face.
How's it goin'?
It's going all right. How are you?
I'm well. Thanks for comin' down.
What happened to your eye?
Oh, some guys were trying to rape me again.
They didn't succeed though.
My asshole's still a virgin.
So...any thoughts about the verdict?
Thoughts about the verdict.
Um...
Well, I guess I knew it was inevitable.
I've always thought about the terminus of my lifestyle.
Glimpsing my own mortality is the reason
I became a serial killer in the first place.
So as far as the verdict goes...
Yeah, I expected it.
Things fall apart.
They do.
Mmm.
Have a bite.
Oh, no.
It's your last meal.
Doesn't mean I can't share it.
No, thanks.
Suit yourself.
What?
It's always somethin'.
You can't ever just sit down, can't ever just talk.
Can't have a fuckin' meal.
It's okay.
I never wanted to hurt Abigail.
But you did.
I never wanted to hurt Abigail.
And I believe you.
I do.
You know, I'm not a spiritual person,
but I like to think of...
her bein' around somewhere right now.
Being lovely.
God, I loved her.
You should have met her.
I'd like to think maybe she'd understand
why I did what I did.
You know what pisses me off?
What?
Every time I read an article about myself it says
I was a motiveless killer.
It makes me think they didn't even get it.
It?
My message.
My purpose.
Which is?
Oh, come on! You don't know?
It's not my message to articulate, Mike.
I simply want to remind people
that this is a beautiful world that we live in,
and I want them to wake up every day...
and appreciate it.
It's a privilege to be here, Doc.
And I hope you appreciate it.
It's a privilege.
*
["Amazing Grace" plays on an organ]
[applause]
(Bart) He's such an amazing person.
It's like, most people just go through life complaining,
but Mike... Mike saw through it all.
And he, like, only focused on what was good about the world.
And that, that is such a special thing
to be able to do, and he did it.
And I don't, I can honestly say I don't know anyone
in this entire world who has the, the joy of life,
you know, that Mike has.
The joie de vivre.
All those people out there saying,
saying bad things about him.
They don't even know what the fuck they're talking about.
Mike Wilson saved my life.
And I, I just hope that I can make
a fraction of the difference that Mike made, you know?
*